Shinji vs the Cyborg Pirates of the Caribbean
by Mister Cynical
Summary: The B-stories, swimsuit edition!
1. Chapter 1

I don't own anything.

Shinji vs. the Cyborg Pirates of the Caribbean

Gendo stared at the fax in front of him and frowned. "Huh."

"Something wrong?" Kozo asked.

"Katsuragi has been kidnapped," Gendo stated. Kozo sighed in annoyance and walked to the mini bar to fix himself a drink.

"You know, it's odd how many women are signing up for dangerous assignments," he commented. "Now where was Katsuragi? Wait, isn't she on a research station somewhere in the Caribbean Sea?"

"Yep," Gendo stated.

"Huh," Kozo grunted. "Do we know who did it?"

"Well, considering they attacked a floating research station, I'm guessing pirates," Gendo stated.

"Pirates in the Caribbean," Kozo mused. "Who would have thought it? Should I give Shinji's secretary a call?"

"I guess so," Gendo stated. "God knows if we don't get Katsuragi back here, productivity is going to drop among the men in NERV since they won't have someone to impress."

"Shit, with T&A like that?" Kozo asked. "Productivity is going to drop amongst quite a few of the women too."

"Too true man."

(:ii:)

Yuki groaned as her bleating cell phone dragged her from her peaceful rest. After a moment of blind groping, she found the device and flipped it open. "Hello?"

"I have a job for you," the man on the other end of the phone stated. Yuki fought not to sigh in annoyance.

"Shoot," she replied. The man quickly and professionally gave her the specifics of the new job. "I understand. I'll contact my team immediately." She hit the end button and pushed the speed dial for her boss. The phone rang several times before the man finally picked up.

"Hello?"

"It's me," Yuki stated. "We've got a job."

"Give me a couple hours," Shinji ordered flatly. "I had a really long night."

"Same here," Yuki replied. "I'm going back to sleep. I just figured I should warn you."

"Thanks." Yuki flipped her phone shut and spooned up next to her bedroom companion. Shinji rolled over and threw an arm around her. Both were too far gone to realize that they were cuddling with the person they had just been speaking with over the phone.

(:ii:)

Shinji stared bleakly down at his takeout breakfast and finished his beer. "Some day, I'm going to buy a house."

"That's a stupid idea," Yuki replied. "You can't just up and switch houses when you get into trouble."

"I suppose not." Shinji took a bite of his breakfast burrito and glanced at his watch. The rest of his team was due any minute now. The door burst open and Shinji found himself aiming his Colt at his second in command. "Ever hear of knocking?" Asa stared at him and then at Yuki.

"So, are you two a couple now or something?" Shinji glanced at Yuki and she just shrugged.

"Something," they agreed. The rest of the team filed in after Asa.

"Jesus Christ," Yuki grumbled. "What is it, dreadlock day?"

"No, but it is mustache month," Shinji said, indicating to his new facial hair, which was actually a goatee that he had let grow and then braided.

"We decided that we didn't look mercenary enough," Asa stated, tugging at one of the long clumps of hair growing from his head.

"I was wondering about this," Yuki commented, giving one of Shinji's braids a tug.

"What's the job?" Mao asked.

"Rescue mission," Shinji stated through a mouthful of scrambled eggs, sausage cubes, cheese, and dough. Mao stared at him in disgust and turned to Yuki.

"What's the job?"

"It's another anonymous rescue job," Yuki stated, dabbing at the corners of her mouth with her napkin. "Apparently, pirates raided a research station and took a hostage."

"Pirates?" Jalal asked. "Well, fuck, we've tangled with everyone else, guess it's time we took on pirates."

"Pretty much," Shinji replied.

"So, where are we heading, Africa?" Bowski asked. Shinji grinned and opened another beer.

"We are flying to Florida and then we are taking a boat to search the Caribbean Sea," he stated as he popped his beer's top with one hand.

"The Caribbean?" Asa repeated. "It's like, nice there. We're actually going to fight in a nice place?"

"Yep."

"And just to make sure you assholes don't just fuck off, I will be accompanying you," Yuki added.

"Just to keep us in line," Shinji replied, "yeah, right."

"Just saying, but there is no way you're getting me on a plane," Asa stated.

"Don't worry," Shinji replied. "We have something set up just for you. Just be at the airport. Okay?"

"Sure." Shinji watched the man walk way and glanced at Kenny.

"This is going to be amusing."

"Mrph."

(:ii:)

"Why can't we ever travel on civilian airlines?" Mao grumbled as he stared at the old military transport. "Hell, I'd even settle for official military flights."

"Civilians have a thing about passengers carrying assault weapons and the military asks too many questions," Shinji stated as he walked up the cargo ramp and dumped his duffel. "Everybody here?"

"Yep," Bowski replied. Shinji frowned as he noticed Asa already buckled into his seat.

"Hey, who got Asa this time?"

"I did," Yuki stated.

"I'm impressed," Shinji admitted. "Load up!" He watched as his team quickly set about loading the equipment they had brought. "Where's the pilot?"

"Over here." Shinji turned and smiled as he saw his favorite smuggler.

"How are you doing Captain Morgan?"

"I'm good," Morgan stated. "Are we ready to go?" Shinji glanced back and Bowski nodded.

"We're good to go," Shinji stated.

"Alright. Beam, hit the ramp!"

"Got it Captain," Beam replied as he closed the ramp. "Everyone buckle in!" Shinji collapsed into an open seat next to Yuki and buckled himself in.

"So," Shinji began, "how'd you get Asa?"

"The smart way," Yuki shot back. "I drugged him." Shinji sighed in disgust.

"Women and drugging people," he grumbled. "What'd you drug him with?"

"I slipped something into a carton of chocolate milk and dared him he couldn't chug it," Yuki replied proudly. "You jackasses will do anything if someone dares you to do it."

"Wait, milk?" Shinji asked.

"Yeah, milk. Why?"

"Asa is lactose intolerant as a son of a bitch," Shinji stated in horror. There was an amazingly loud noise that temporarily drowned out the engines. "Oh my God. How could he not have just shit himself?"

"Open the ramp!" Bowski cried.

"We're already taking off!" Yuki protested. "We are not throwing him out of the aircraft!" There was another massive blast.

"Next time, we use my plan," Shinji growled.

"Okay," Yuki submitted.

"I'm going to get you for this."

(:ii:)

"Get the fuck off the plane!" Shinji ripped open the side door and took a flying leap onto the grass beside tarmac. The rest of his team dove out behind him.

"Next time, we throw that fucker out of the plane!" Bowski roared.

"There won't be a fucking next time!" Shinji replied, shooting a venomous look at Yuki. She just kept dry heaving. In keeping with karma, as the only civilian on board, she hadn't been carrying a gas mask. Of course, the gas masks had been over taxed before half the flight was over.

"Hey guys. What the fuck are you all doing?" Shinji turned and saw Asa standing in the open doorway. "Wait. Why the fuck am I on a plane?"

"Yuki drugged you," Shinji stated. Asa's face went red with rage before noticing the woman dry heaving so hard she was almost in convulsions.

"What's wrong with her?"

"She slipped it to you in the milk," Shinji stated. Asa stared at her and leaned back into the cargo hold and sniffed.

"You guys are so fucking over dramatic."

"Abandon ship!" A gun shot rang out and Captain Morgan and his co-pilot Daniels leapt out of the newly shattered window in the cockpit. "Good God! Beam is still in there!" Another man staggered out the door past Asa and fell flat on his face. All the hair on his head had been burned off.

"It's not that bad!" Asa declared.

"You're on unloading duty," Shinji stated as he dug out his copy of Battlefield Injuries for Complete Dumb Asses and paged to the chapter on toxic inhalation.

"So," Bowski began. "Where did you find the ship?"

"Actually, it belongs to Morgan's little sister," Shinji stated as he studied the pictures and stared down at Beam. "Give him morphine. It'll ease his last moments."

"I'm not dying," Beam hacked.

"He can still speak," Shinji stated in surprise. "I guess he's going to live. Cancel the morphine."

"I can still do with some morphine," Beam stated.

"Too bad."

(:ii:)

"Thanks for letting me use your changing room!" Yuki called as she walked out of the bait and tackle shop. She spotted her boss and walked over to him. "I like the outfit." Shinji frowned and glanced down at his floral print swim trucks and unbuttoned Hawaiian shirt.

"And I suppose this," Shinji flicked the thin cord holding the cups of Yuki's bikini top together, "is your idea of tactical."

"I'm not a mercenary," Yuki countered his counter.

"Almost done?" Yuki turned and frowned as she found herself looking down at a short, dark haired woman wearing a while button down shirt and white shorts.

"Almost," Shinji replied.

"How much crap do you guys need?" the woman deadpanned, adjusting her mirrored sunglasses. "You've already loaded damn near a hundred boxes." Yuki turned on Shinji and stared at him accusingly.

"You guys usually only have a duffel bag each and a couple of crates of ammo," she stated.

"Uh, well, we don't know what we're going up against," Shinji stated doggedly.

"You didn't take a hundred boxes when you went to space," Yuki commented coolly. "What's in the boxes Shinji?"

"Ammo."

"And?" Yuki pressed.

"And spare parts," Shinji added.

"And?"

"Some booze."

"How much booze?" Yuki demanded, already feeling a migraine starting.

"All the booze that place had," Shinji stated, pointing to a liquor shop across the road from the marina. The building had at least a dozen cop cars parked in front of it.

"Did you pay for the booze?" Yuki demanded.

"Not exactly," Shinji replied cheerfully. "On that note, I think it's time to set sail! What say you, Captain Morgan?"

"You guys are going to be nothing but trouble," the woman stated tiredly.

"Oh, that's Captain Morgan," Shinji added.

"Nice to meet you," Yuki stated as she shook the woman's hand. "I'm Yuki."

"The mercenary team's token female?" Morgan asked.

"Actually, she's my secretary," Shinji stated. "She just came along to make sure that we didn't mess around."

"You're doing a stellar job so far," Morgan commented dryly.

"You should see them when I'm not around," Yuki countered.

"I'd hate to interrupt, ladies, but those cops are starting to take an interest," Shinji commented, hustling them both aboard. "Now might be the time to make our escape." Morgan sighed and allowed the man to push her up the gangplank.

"This is going to be one of those jobs," she grumbled.

"It's always one of those jobs when these guys are involved," Yuki replied sympathetically.

(:ii:)

"Alright folks, break it out and give me a full inventory!" Shinji ordered before his team could get too rowdy.

"Guns and alcohol," Yuki groaned, "someone is going to get shot."

"We're not that bad," Shinji insisted. "Asa, you're on Greaves duty."

"Right boss," Asa replied tiredly as he pulled on a flak vest and helmet. Shinji beat a hasty retreat up to the wheelhouse. Alcohol and guns mixed well usually. Guns and stupidity were a whole different matter.

"I'll keelhaul anyone who hurts my boat," Morgan stated flatly.

"Trust me," Shinji replied. A second later a shot rang out.

"Greaves!"

"My bad." Shinji refused to turn around as he sheepishly scratched the back of his head.

"Fuck it," Yuki grunted as she picked up a towel and made her way towards the front of the ship.

"So," Shinji began, "where do you keep the clips for that Bofors you've got hidden under the tarp?" Morgan glanced down at the thinly hidden anti-aircraft cannon mounted on the foredeck.

"In the life preserver compartments under a false bottom," she answered. "So, does your secretary tag along on shooting missions a lot?" Shinji glanced to the foredeck again and snatched up a pair of binoculars to watch Yuki wiggled out of her Daisy Dukes.

"Only when she has the chance to do that," he replied. "Considering the fact that we're usually in the Middle East or Africa or some Third World shit hole; she's never come with us before."

"You're hitting that, right?" Morgan ventured.

"Like a sledgehammer," Shinji replied.

"I figured," Morgan stated as she piloted her ship out of the marina and into open waters.

"Have there been any problems with pirates around here?"

"Not for me."

"I suppose there wouldn't be for you," Shinji commented, glancing at the Bofors again. The corners of Morgan's stern lips tweaked upwards.

"So, where are we heading?"

"These coordinates," Shinji stated as he unfurled a map. "This is the research station where the person we're supposed to be rescuing was taken from. Hopefully, we'll pick up a lead there."

"Sounds like a plan," Morgan allowed as she punched in the coordinates to her GPS. Shinji nodded in agreement and set about trying to fold his map back up. He quickly abandoned the task as hopeless. "If you're planning on running drills, might I suggest that you wait till we leave US territorial waters? The Coast Guards would probably get antsy seeing this lot running around with guns."

"Oh, don't worry," Shinji replied. "We don't do drills."

"So, what are you going to do on the trip around Cuba?" Morgan asked.

"Chug! Chug! Chug!" Shinji turned and saw his team gathered around Kenny who was doing a keg stand, in a kilt.

"So, that's what Scotsmen wear under their kilts," Morgan commented, completely nonplussed.

"Actually, he's Irish," Shinji stated. "That's why he's wearing the yellow Speedo. Scotsmen go commando. And to answer your question, we're kind of planning on doing that for most of the trip."

"It's a long trip," Morgan commented.

"Don't worry, we brought plenty of booze."

"I see," Morgan replied. She stared down at the party on her ship. "Hey, that doesn't look like a beer keg."

"Nope. That's cheap, bulk liquor," Shinji replied.

"He's doing a keg stand on a keg of rotgut?" Morgan asked, one eyebrow arching over the rim of her sunglasses.

"Irish," Shinji repeated.

"How's he drinking through that mask?"

"I really don't bother asking questions like that anymore."

"I see." She stared harder at Kenny. "That isn't a Speedo."

"Really?" Shinji asked, not bothering to check.

"Yup. Those are panties."

"Ah." Shinji lit a cigarette and opened his rifle bag. "I'm going to go keep myself entertained."

"How?"

"I have my ways," Shinji replied, drawing his golf driver out of his bag and holding up a bag of golf balls.

"Hurt my boat and you might as well go for a swim."

"I'll keep that in mind."

(:ii:)

"What the hell are you doing?" Shinji turned and grinned at Yuki guiltily. "You know what? Don't say anything."

"Okay." Shinji went back to see up a patch of fake turf with a golf tee in the middle of it. "So, get tired to being gawked at?"

"Yep," Yuki replied as she laid out her towel again.

"You know, I'm going to be staring at your ass too, just so we're clear," Shinji stated.

"It seems less awkward when the man staring at my ass has stuck his dick in it," Yuki replied.

"If you say so." Shinji set down a ball on the tee and took a swing. He caught nothing at air. He tried again and took a chunk of paint off the top of the wheelhouse.

"What was that?" Morgan yelled.

"Nothing!" Shinji called back.

"You suck at golf," Yuki stated. Shinji glared at her and walked to the edge of the wheelhouse. He stuck two fingers in his mouth and whistled. "What are you doing?" She was answered a second later when a bottle flipped up into Shinji's hand. He set it down just in time to catch two more. "Oh this should be good."

"Shut up." Shinji popped the top off of one of the bottles and began chugging. He finished it and set it down before picking up his gulf club again. Yuki picked up the bottle and read it quickly.

"You just shotgunned a bottle of one hundred proof rum," she stated.

"No hole, not shotgun," Shinji stated. "Now give me about a minute."

"How about you do my back?" Yuki asked holding up a bottle of suntan lotion.

"Okay." Yuki had recently discovered that Shinji had a definitely talent for backrubs. This time was no different.

"Oh yes!"

"Hey! You better be on a towel!" Morgan yelled.

"All done," Shinji stated. He staggered to his feet and picked up his club again.

"Maybe you should give it a rest," Yuki commented as she watched Shinji sway. "Morgan will be pissed enough about one ding." Shinji swung and the golf ball flew away like a PGA tour pro drive. "Huh." Yuki shrugged and took one of the other bottles for her own use.

(:ii:)

Shinji frowned as he noticed that the bottle in his hand was empty. He turned to the bottle in his other hand and noticed that it too was empty. "Damn it." Shinji staggered to his feet and slowly climbed down from the wheelhouse to hunt through the crates of bottles on the deck. They were all empty. "Where's all the rum gone?"

"Did you try the crates over there?" someone asked. Shinji staggered over to the new crates and found them empty. He made a round of the deck and found no more bottles.

"Where the hell has all the rum gone?" Shinji wailed. His men jerked out of their drunken stupor and scrambled to find the booze.

"All the rum's gone!"

"How can the rum be gone?" Shinji demanded.

"Well, we only had a few hundred bottles," Asa stated. Shinji bolted, drunkenly, up to the wheelhouse.

"We have to land!"

"What's wrong?" Morgan asked.

"We're out of rum!" Shinji announced. "We must make port and resupply!"

"It's been five hours," Morgan deadpanned. She opened her mouth to add something, but paused as she stared down at one of the screens in front of her. She scowled and picked up her handheld. "Attention unknown vessel, this is the Orca. We are under sail and have the right of way. Please change course."

"Something up?"

"Fucking rich Americans who buy boats and don't know a damn thing about boating," Morgan grumbled.

"Why are Americans so close to Cuba?"

"Why the hell would anyone go to Cuba?" Morgan countered.

"Cigars and rum?" Shinji guessed. It was pretty much the reason he wanted to go. The woman nodded and turned back to her radar.

"Shit."

"What?"

"My radar is going fuzzy." She snatched up her hand held and changed the channel, only for static to fill the wheelhouse. "We're being jammed."

"Raspberry?" Shinji could feel Morgan's glare through her sunglasses. "So, being jammed, that can't be good. Pirates?"

"Seems likely," Morgan gritted. "And here I am with a boatload of drunks." Shinji stepped out of the wheelhouse.

"All hands. Prepare to repel boarders!" In a flash, Shinji's team was sprinting across the deck readying their weapons. Shinji turned back to Morgan and flashed her a victory sign. "Don't worry. We got this." He strolled out of the wheelhouse and grabbed his utility belt. "Grieves! Get that Bofors ready. There are rounds in the life jacket lockers. Don't uncover it until I give the orders."

"What Bofors?" Grieves asked.

"That Bofors," Shinji growled, pointing to the tarp-draped anti-aircraft cannon.

"Oh," the American stated.

"Fucktard," Shinji grumbled as he buckled up his belt and picked up his SCAR-H. "Kenny, get your Barrett and get on top of the wheelhouse."

"Mrph!" Kenny replied as he grabbed the 25mm sniper rifle and headed for the wheelhouse, kilt fluttering dramatically behind him.

"What the fuck is going on?" Yuki demanded as she rushed up.

"Possible attack," Shinji stated. "Just get in the wheelhouse with Morgan, okay?"

"Sure." Shinji opened one of the crates on deck and pulled out a thermobaric 40mm grenade and loaded it into his SCAR's grenade launcher.

"Approximately fifteen minutes," Morgan reported over the ship's loudspeaker.

"Got it! Just tell me what side!" Shinji yelled. "Everyone stay down! We're going to draw them in and surprise them. These assholes might know something about our princess."

(:ii:)

Shinji could hear the other ship's engines as they pulled up alongside the Orca's starboard side. Asa glanced back at him and Shinji shook his head, indicating not to attack yet. "Avast, landlubbers! This be the Dread Pirate Roberts! Surrender your booty!" Okay, that was enough of that.

"Up!" Shinji pivoted up and rested the fore grip of his SCAR on the railing. "Freeze!" What he saw came very close to blowing his mind. The other ship looked like your average, everyday large speedboat, but that wasn't the weird bit.

"Somebody's been watching too many pirate movies," Asa commented.

"Yep," Shinji replied as he stood and lowered his rifle. "Lower your weapons or you will be fired upon."

"Arr, who be the pirates here?" a large man in a red captain's coat with a long black beard and robotic peg leg asked. Shinji glanced from the stereotypical pirates on the other ship to his own dreadlocked, bearded, tattooed mercenaries.

"Well, since we haven't demanded booty yet, you guys are the pirates," he stated.

"Good! We be the Cyborg Pirates of the Caribbean! Surrender your booty and we'll be on our way!" the man, certainly the captain, shouted as even more men poured onto the deck of his ship from the hold. True to his word, all had some kind of robot appendages. "And who be you?"

"I be Shinji Ikari, Space Mercenary!"

"Does this count as shenanigans?" Asa wondered.

"A little too normal at the moment," Shinji stated. A thought struck him. "Wait. Real pirates. They have rum! Prepare to board and seize the rum!"

"They're after the rum!" the Dread Pirate Roberts cried. "Full speed ahead!" Shinji cursed as the other ship rocketed away.

"After them Morgan!" he roared. "Raise the Jolly Roger!" Mao quickly ran to the Orca's flagpole and raised their Jolly Roger, a leering skull over crossed rum bottles.

"So," Asa began as the Orca picked up speed, "shenanigans?"

"Yep," Shinji replied. "Onwards! Toward rum and shenanigans!"

"And pirate wenches!" Yuki added. Shinji glanced over his shoulder and saw that Yuki had decided to join them. "I'm gonna plunder me some booty!" Shinji and Asa glanced at each other.

"Arr?" Asa ventured.

"Arrrrrrr!" Shinji roared. "There be hell to pay if they escape maties! I'll keelhaul the lot of you if I don't get me rum!"

-Intermission

(:ii:)

-Author's notes. Well, I'm laughing. As usual, author's notes at the end of the last chapter.


	2. Chapter 2

I don't own anything.

Shinji vs. the Cyborg Pirates of the Caribbean

"Holy shit!" Roberts glanced back and winced when he saw the ship pursuing them. "What the hell, man? Why are we being chased?"

"We tried to rob a bunch of pirates," Wesley stated.

"Damn it!" Roberts swore. "Robot Scotty!"

"Here sir!" came the heavily accented reply as an older, white haired pirate popped out of the trapdoor leading to the engine room.

"Scotty, we'll need everything you've got."

"Aye. Warp drive. . ." a small white object slashed through the air and slammed into Scotty's head. He lost his grip and felt back into the trapdoor.

"Scotty! They killed Robot Scotty!" Roberts howled.

"I'm not quite dead," Scotty managed from somewhere inside engine room.

"All hands, get down!" Roberts ordered. "They must have some kind of long-range, precision anti-personnel. . ."

"Golf ball," Wesley cut in.

"What?"

"Golf ball," Wesley repeated, holding up the small white ball.

"No way," Roberts stated. "There is just no way. . ." another white blur shot past Robert's head and struck Wesley in the knee. Roberts managed to catch it as it rebounded at him. It was indeed a golf ball. "Huh." He glanced back at the other ship. "This has been the strangest day."

(:ii:)

"Fire three!" Shinji swung and connected cleanly. "Miss again," Asa reported. "You're getting worse."

"I am totally loosing my buzz!" Shinji growled. "Greaves! Fire a warning shot across her nose!" The Bofors barked and a tower of water geysered in front of pirate ship. "Careful you idiot, I said across her nose, not up it!"

"Sorry sir, I'm doing my best!" Greaves called back as he fired another shot that landed way too close for comfort.

"Who made that man a gunner?" Shinji grumbled.

"I did sir," Reinhardt stated. "He's my cousin!"

"Who is he?" Shinji asked Asa, wondering just who Reinhardt thought he was to assign positions.

"He's an asshole sir," Asa replied.

"Are you idiots going to do this whole skit?" Yuki cut in.

"What skit?" Shinji asked. Yuki just stared at him in disbelief. "Keep firing asshole!"

"Idiots," Yuki grumbled, pinching the bridge of her nose. Shinji shrugged and dug out another golf ball. "Do you guys really think they'll lead us to the pirates that have our princess?"

"Maybe," Shinji replied. "If not, just think of this as being all in good fun."

"For who?"

"Well, us of course. Getting shot at is hardly fun."

"They're putting up a smoke screen!" Shinji glanced back to the boat and cursed as he saw smoke pouring from the aft of the other ship.

"Morgan! Can you track them?"

"My radar is still being jammed," Morgan reported.

"Fuck! Pirates with a smoke screen. You no good, Scooby Do-ripping off bastards!"

(:ii:)

Morgan stared out the window and cursed. She couldn't see anything through the fog and her radar was still blurry. She was also becoming more and more leery of any possible presents left behind by their prey. "I'm calling it," she announced over the PA system.

"Fuck!" Shinji dropped down from the top of the wheelhouse and stalked in.

"I'm not risking my ship, Ikari."

"Your boat, your rules," Shinji replied peaceably. "I just hate giving up a chase."

"So, what's the plan now?" Morgan asked.

"I guess we have to head to the research station," Shinji stated. "Well, at least we know the pirates are still in this general area."

"I suppose," Morgan replied. "By the by, did any of that strike you as weird?"

"Compared to?"

"I don't know, your regular jobs?"

"Nope," Shinji replied. "That actually rates about a two on my weird shit meter."

"A two out of what?"

"Two out of ten," Shinji stated.

"I'd hate to see a ten," Morgan replied.

"A ten would be the mountains over Macho Grande."

"Over Macho Grande?" Morgan asked.

"No, I don't think any of us will ever be over Macho Grande," Shinji stated solemnly.

(:ii:)

"There's a ship coming!" Makoto Hyuga glanced up from his book and sighed in annoyance.

"Anybody we know?" he asked.

"Nope," Makoto's aide stated. Makoto set down his book and climbed to his feet.

"Have you tried the hailing freaks?"

"Yes," Freddy stated. "They aren't responding." Makoto sighed again and moved to Freddy's work station. On the screen a large sailing craft with a mounted anti-aircraft cannon was approaching the station.

"Bloody pirates."

"What should we do?" Freddy asked.

"Bend over and kiss your ass good bye," Makoto grumbled. "I thought this was supposed to be an easy assignment." Suddenly the radio crackled to life.

"Attention research station, this is Shinji Ikari, Space Mercenary! Stand by to be boarded!"

"Mercenaries," Makoto stated blankly. He had half been expecting ninjas.

"Is that better than pirates, or worse?" Freddy asked.

"I have no idea," Makoto stated. "The man's an Ikari though."

"What's that mean?"

"Things are probably about to get worse."

(:ii:)

"This place looks familiar."

"Yeah, it does," Shinji replied as he studied the research station. "Where have we seen this place before?"

"It's Aquatica!" Shinji glanced over his shoulder and stared at Morgan. She composed herself quickly. "You know, from that movie. The one where the guy's hat is like a shark's fin." Shinji glanced back at the research station.

"Oh yeah. I remember that one. They killed the guy from the snake movie."

"Which snake movie?" Asa asked.

"The one with the snakes on a plane," Shinji stated. "What was the name of that one?"

"Snakes on a plane?" Asa repeated.

"Yeah," Shinji stated. "Can you remember the title?"

"Nope."

"This is going to bug me until I remember," Shinji grumbled. He glanced back at the station. "What did they do at Aquatica?"

"They made super smart sharks," Reinhardt answered.

"Yeah, that's what I thought." Shinji scooped up a big HELLHOUND grenade and slipped it into his SCAR's launcher. "I hate sharks."

"I thought you just hated water," Asa commented, "what with that nasty habit of floundering about and trying to breathe it."

"Shut up," Shinji ordered. "Do I mock your fear of flight?"

"Constantly."

"Oh, yeah." The bow of the ship nudged up against a mooring and Shinji hopped over onto the dock with his team hot on his heels. "Where is everybody?"

"Maybe the sharks got them," Mao stated. A mechanical whir filled the air and Shinji watched as a large pair of doors opened. "Guess not." A single man strolled out of the elevator and made his way over.

"Hey Shinji." Shinji stared at the man.

"Aoba?" The man faltered and nearly stumbled into one of the tanks on either side of the walkway.

"No," he stated. "The other one."

"You are so not Ibuki."

"Hyuga! I'm Makoto Hyuga!" the man snapped, pinching the bridge of his nose in annoyance. "Come on! I was friends with Misato!"

"Oh, yeah, you." Shinji could not recall for the life of him. "Hey, you remember the title of that movie with the snakes on a plane?"

"Snakes on a plane?" Makoto asked. "What kind of premise is that?"

"A cheesy one," Asa stated. "You know him, Boss?"

"Sure, that's Makoto! I used to work with him back at. . ." he trailed off as he came to a sudden realization. "Damn it. We got duped into doing NERV's dirty work."

"Again?" Asa asked.

"Again," Shinji confirmed. He glanced over the side of the walkway and scowled as a massive shark swam by, rolling on its side to eye them as it went. "What do you guys do here?"

"Nothing," Makoto replied.

"Does it involve super smart sharks?" Shinji demanded.

"No, that's just silly!" Shinji glared at the man. "Okay, maybe a little. Now, what are you doing here?"

"Somebody hired us to rescue some chick that was kidnapped from here."

"Misato?" Makoto asked.

"I don't know," Shinji replied with a shrug. "Has she gone missing?"

"You could say that," Makoto stated. "You could also say that the pirates kidnapped her for ransom."

"The Cyborg Pirates of the Caribbean?" Shinji asked.

"You met them?" Makoto asked.

"We chased them around for a while," Shinji stated. "Have they ever given you any trouble before?"

"No. Hell, they used to come here to party."

"What?"

"We have a shit load of geniuses on a research station in the middle of the ocean," Makoto stated simply. "What the hell else would they do in their free time other then find new ways of making booze?"

"You have booze?" Shinji demanded.

"Well, they took the stills when they nabbed Misato," Makoto stated. "We'd like those back too, you know, if you get the chance."

"Do you have any idea where they could be?" Yuki asked.

"If I had to guess, I'd say they're probably at their home base," Makoto replied.

"You know where their home base is?" Shinji demanded. Makoto shrugged. "Why the hell didn't you go get Misato back yourselves?"

"Hey man, we're lovers not fighters. Make peace and party hard."

"Fuck." Shinji massaged his temples in annoyance and frowned as he noticed the same shark swimming by again, still eyeing him. "Keep swimming Jabberjaw!" At the sight of his rifle, the shark quickly turned and swam away. "So, how smart are they?"

"Pretty smart."

"Let's get the fuck out of here."

(:ii:)

"They're so doomed," Yuki commented as she scanned the horizon for the pirate's stronghold.

"Like corporate drones in an office fire," Shinji confirmed as he lowered his binoculars. "Do you have an ETA, Morgan?"

"Five minutes," Morgan replied.

"Good, if my guys don't have anything to do, they tend to catch cabin fever real quick," Shinji commented.

"What are the symptoms?" Yuki asked.

"Spontaneous song and dance numbers," Shinji intoned seriously.

"I've got cabin fever!" someone cried from below on the deck.

"I've got it tooooooo!"

"No singing!" Morgan snapped. Everything fell mercifully silent. "My vessel has become a floating psycho ward."

"I'm. . .gonna go check on Kenny," Shinji stated. He stepped out of the wheelhouse and glanced up. "Hey Kenny, see anything?"

"Mrph!" Kenny replied from his sniper post atop the wheelhouse.

"Where?"

"Mrph!" Shinji raised his binoculars and looked in the direction Kenny had given him. "Mrph?"

"Yeah, I see it," Shinji stated. "Take out any sentries you see when we get into range, okay?"

"Mrph!" Shinji nodded to himself and descended to the deck.

"Greaves! Bofors!"

"Got it Boss!"

"So, are we attacking for the woman, or the stills?" Yuki asked.

"Can't it be both?"

"I should have expected that," Yuki grumbled. "Anyway, is she pretty?" Shinji glanced over at her. "What?"

"You have the libido of the thirteen year old boy," he stated.

"That's better than the body of a thirteen year old boy," Yuki countered as she leered and arched her back in order to make her breasts strain against her bikini top.

"True." Kenny's Barrett cracked and Yuki nearly jumped out of her skin.

"I take it you guys aren't going for a covert underwater insertion," Yuki commented.

"Shinji can't swin," Asa stated in passing.

"You can't swim?" Yuki asked.

"I can swim! I just don't like the water."

"Is 'don't like' a new way of saying 'utterly terrified?" Asa asked. "Frankly, I'm surprised we got you on the boat."

"You do know, we are flying home, right?" Shinji asked.

"You are," Asa replied.

"That's what you think," Shinji growled as he raised his binoculars again.

"What?"

"Nothing."

(:ii:)

"Go!" Shinji's team sprang over the side of the boat and landed lightly on the dock they had pulled up next to. The four men of his team charged up the dock, past the shattered remains of the sentries, towards the only building on the island.

Mao slapped a breaching charge against one wall and the team quickly stacked up at a safe standoff distance with Paulsen raising a Kevlar blanket. The blast lit and they charged in, only for Shinji to be promptly tackled to the floor.

"Shinji!"

"Misato?" Shinji stared at the purple-haired woman sitting on his chest.

"I knew they'd send you to rescue me!" Shinji couldn't think of anything to say and simply continued to stare at the woman.

"I think you broke him," Mao commented. "That's pretty damn impressive. I've seen him continue to run his trap in the face of hideous torture and possible nuclear annihilation."

"Misato?" Shinji asked again.

"There!" Roberts declared. "You have her back, now leave us alone!" Okay, now that made sense.

"So, you're giving her back so that we won't hurt you," Shinji stated as recognition dawned on him. "I can see that, but still, you guys are pretty lame kidnappers."

"We're not kidnappers!" Roberts declared. "We're pirates."

"Right, so you're pirates that kidnap people," Shinji interpreted.

"No, we're pirates who loot and pillage," Roberts clarified. "The kidnapping thing was her idea." Shinji stared at the suddenly sheepish Misato.

"You weren't supposed to tell him that," she commented.

"He wasn't supposed to be a heavily armed nutcase!" Roberts countered. Misato glanced back down and scratched the back of her head as she met Shinji's eye.

"Well. . .um. . .thanks for saving me?"

"This job just got to weird for me," Mao stated. "I'm going back to the fucking boat and we're going to Cuba for some booze." He started to the door and froze. "Wait, you're supposed to have NERV's stills! Where the fuck is the booze?"

"Yeah, about those stills," Roberts began, "we have no idea how they work."

"What?"

"Look, it's a nuclear-powered machine designed to make booze out of anything," Roberts replied. "We haven't tried anything with it since it turned Bob into booze."

"He was kind of tasty," one of the pirates commented.

"You drank some of Bob?" Roberts roared.

"It's what he would have wanted!" the pirate stated. Roberts pinched the bridge of his nose.

"Anyway, we only took them because we figured we couldn't go party at NERV after Misato cooked up this whole kidnapping thing," he stated. Shinji continued to stare at Misato.

"Well," she began, "there's only one thing to do. Luau at Aquatica!"

"Alright!" Roberts cheered.

"So, he's not the bad guy?" Shinji asked finally.

"Well, he is, but not in this case," Misato answered.

"Oh. Sorry about your sentries," Shinji stated.

"Well. . .nobody liked those guys. That's why they were on sentry duty."

"Okay."

(:ii:)

Shinji stared blankly at the wall of the suite that he had been given at Aquatica. "So, she kidnapped herself?" Yuki asked. Shinji nodded. "Any idea why?"

"I have no fucking clue," he declared. "Do I pretend to know how your crazy little women brains work? Why can't you all think more like men? All men think about are fighting, fucking, food, booze, and sports!"

"If women were like men, the world wouldn't have changed at all," Yuki stated.

"Oh, so a world in which politicians prefer to negotiate for years while dictators continue their genocides and Lifetime continues to make movies, is good?" Shinji demanded.

"Did you just lump Lifetime movies in with tragedies such as genocide?" Yuki asked.

"You're damn right I did!" Yuki paused to consider that.

"Yeah, I guess you're right." The dark haired woman rose from the bed and stretched. "I'm going to take a shower before the party, okay?" Shinji nodded absently. This job had to rank a ten out of ten on his weird shit meter and his weird shit meter included zombie terrorist, Nazi vampires in space and what had happened in the mountains over Macho Grande. Someone knocked and Shinji rose to open the door.

"Who is it?"

"It's me!" Misato replied from outside. Shinji grinned. He was going to get some answers if it killed her! He ripped the door open and suffered another brain fart as Misato sauntered into his room wearing a pirate wench outfit that she probably would have been arrested for wearing in public. "Shinji, you naughty boy!"

"Huh?" Shinji asked brilliantly.

"This outfit," Misato clarified.

"Uh. . .yeah. It's very nice, Misato, but wouldn't a grass skirt and coconut bra have been better for a luau. . .and your modesty?"

"Wait, you didn't leave this outfit for me?" Misato asked. Shinji felt an eyebrow creep up. "Well, when I got out of the shower all my clothes were gone and this outfit was on my bed. I kind of thought you did it."

"Nope." The door slammed shut and both Shinji and Misato turned to see a dripping wet Yuki standing with her back to the door and wearing only a grin. "Oh," Shinji deadpanned. "That explains that."

"Oh, right, I forgot about your kinky secretary," Misato replied.

"Who told you about that?" Shinji asked.

"Rei," Misato replied.

"Oh." Shinji watched impassively as his secretary tackled Misato to the bed.

"I told you I'd get my pirate wench," Yuki stated.

"That you did."

"Eeep!" Misato squeaked.

(:ii:)

"So, she got herself kidnapped just for rescue nookie?" Asa asked.

"Yep," Shinji replied.

"Are you some kind of sex god or something?"

"Seems like it," Shinji commented as he leaned against the railing on the edge of Aquatica. Someone moaned and Shinji glanced down to see a pirate and a tech, both in grass skirts, spooning on the ground. "Looks like you guys had a pretty good party last night."

"Yeah," Asa agreed. "Do I need to ask if you had a good time?"

"Nope," Shinji replied.

"So, we've been set up by two different groups?" Asa asked.

"Looks that way," Shinji replied.

"Are we going to do anything?" Asa asked.

"Eh. . .no harm no foul?"

"Sounds good to me." Shinji glanced behind him and frowned as he noticed Kenny still doing a solo can-can line out on the dock in his orange Tartan kilt. "I guess you're right. After all, nobody did get hurt." That was when a shark burst out of the water and grabbed Kenny before sliding back into the water.

"One of our sharks escaped!" Shinji glanced back and saw Misato sprinting out of Aquatica's main building. Shinji scooped up a Mk. 17 from where it was leaning against the railing beside him. "How's that going to help? It's underwater!"

"Now don't you worry your pretty little head, I'll figure this out," Shinji stated. He squeezed the trigger on his rifle's grenade launcher and watched the black dot arch through the air until it slammed into the water and exploded.

"I told you it wouldn't work," Misato stated.

"Give it a second," Shinji replied. After only ten seconds a giant shark floated to the surface belly up. "There you go." Misato gawked at the dead animal.

"Okay, so maybe smart sharks aren't the must dangerous animals in the world," she stated.

"Not until they figure out grenades," Shinji replied.

"Right." Misato leaned up against him and rested her head on his chest.

"So," Asa began.

"So what?" Shinji asked.

"So, no harm no foul. What do you want to do now?"

"Are you kidding me?" Shinji demanded. "Kenny just died like Samuel L. Jackson. Can you think of a more manly way to die?"

"Well, no," Asa admitted. Shinji nodded and glanced down at Misato.

"You know, you could have just called if you wanted to see me."

"What's the fun in that?"

-End

(:ii:)

-Author's notes. Long time no see. That's right, I'm alive, I've just had little time and major writer's block. I'm still not a hundred percent over it.

So, gripes, bitches and complaints. I've really got none at the moment. It's not that anything bad isn't happening, it's just that nothing really stands out. Well, that and I went out and bought my first pistol. You'd be amazed how stress relieving heading to the range can be.

As for certain previous complaints, yes, I was kind of going through the motions with that last chapter, but I think I pulled it out in the end. (Just like in the movie theatre!)

Also, I'm a wee bit smashed off my ass, so my proof reading might be a bit funny. I'll fix it later. Cheers and good night!


End file.
